Misfits season 1 ep.01 - script

This is it.

 

This is your chance to do something positive.

Give something back.

You can help people, you can really make a difference to people's lives.

That's what community service is all about.

There are people who think you're scum.

You have an opportunity to show them they're wrong.

Yeah, but what if they're right? No offence.

But I'm thinking some people are just born criminals.

- Are you looking to get stabbed? - You see my point? Your past doesn't matter.

Doing my community service.

Boring as fuck.

- I'm still talking here.

- I thought you'd finished.

If my lips are moving, I'm still talking.

Yeah, but you could have been yawning, or chewing.

End the call.

Hang up! - My probation worker - You all right, weird kid? Don't be disgusting.

Call you later.

I'll rip at your throat and shit down your neck.

- Shouldn't be here.

- We need to work as a team here.

- Hey, that's enough.

- Can I move to a different group? What makes you think you're better than us? - What is that 

accent? - Is that for real? What, are you trying to say something? That's just a noise.

Are we supposed to be able to understand her? - Do you understand that? - I think she likes 

 

me!? - Hey, pack it in.

- It's love, man! Do it, man, do it.

You're a prick, man, look at you.

You're a fuckin' pussy, bruv.

He's taking the piss! Oh man, there's paint on my cap.

This is bullshit.

I know you.

- No, you don't.

- Yes I do.

You're that runner guy.

You screwed up big time.

You noticed, yeah? Thanks for reminding me.

I'm guessing shoplifting? Don't act like you know me, cos you don't.

I'm just making conversation.

This is a chance to network with other offenders.

We should be swapping tips.

Brainstorming.

Come on, what did you do? A girl called me a slag so I just got into a fight.

- Was this on the Jeremy Kyle Show? - No, it was in Argos.

You should have got one of them pens and jabbed it in her eye.

What about you, weird kid? Don't take this the wrong way but you look like a panty sniffer.

I'm not a panty sniffer.

I'm not a pervert.

I tried to burn someone's house down.

What did you do? Me? I was done for eating some pick 'n' mix.

Bollocks.

What is going on with this weather? How did that happen? I mean, you've been here five 

minutes.

It's painting benches.

How did you screw that up? You tell me, because I've got no idea.

What the hell was that? Oh, Jesus! What's going on? That's my car! Classic.

Oh, my God! OK, so I'm a little bit freaked out.

What is that? Right, everyone inside.

Move! Keep going.

It's locked.

Open it.

- Come on! - What is happening? - Open the door! - I'm finding the right key.

Come on! Open the door.

Open the fucking door! Don't speak to me like that! I feel really weird.

That'll be the lightning.

We should be dead.

A little reassurance might be nice, you know.

"You're fine.

Looking good.

" Wanker! Did he just call me a wanker? Hello? - Is everyone all right? - We could have died, you 

dick.

Are you all right? You're acting like a freak.

Maybe we should call it a day.

That's right.

Scrape it back.

What did you say? I didn't say anything.

- She's such a chav.

- What? What? Do we just go then? Where's the probation worker? I think there's something wrong with him.

It's like he was having a spasm.

He was probably just faking it, to get compensation.

Cheap bastard.

I don't think so.

And you'd know all about being mental.

"Wanker!" - Are we waiting for something? - Probation worker.

I'm not hanging around for that dickhead.

Shit.

What you did to my phone? Man, I'm telling you I'm coming out there, I'm gonna mash you up.

Good boy.

Who's a little baby? You're my little man, are you? Cutie, cutie, my little cutie.

You dirty bitch.

I've been licking my bollocks.

Who are you fucking winking at? I'm going to shag that poodle next door, she's proper dirty.

Mum, it's me.

My key won't work.

Are you going to let me in? I need to give my relationship with Jeremy a chance.

Come on.

The guy's a total dildo.

You are always making fun of people.

Nothing anyone says hurts you.

Not everybody's like that.

Has Jezza been crying again? Open the door.

- I've changed the locks.

- What? - You can't be serious.

- If you stay, he'll leave.

Where am I going to live? Mum, open the door.

Your things by the garage.

I've put some money in your rucksack.

I'll call you in a few days.

Mum? Mum, don't, come on.

Hey, Adam, how's tricks, how's the herpes? All right, calm down, it's a joke.

Billy.

I need a favour, mate.

Can I stay and yours? Come on, it'll be a laugh.

Liz, you don't mean that.

You, you don't.

Well, I don't believe you.

Holly.

Holly Boyd.

The Paul meister! No, it's OK, I'll find somewhere else.

No, no, I'm good, I'm good.

It's dead weird.

It's like I'm off my face or something.

Keith was talking to me, and he's a dog, yeah? It's doing my head in.

Get at it.

I'm telling you, I'm losing it.

All right.

Why don't she want to have sex with me? Come on, sex her up.

Oh, yeah! What if she thinks I'm shit in bed? She's been with loads more people than I have.

Maybe she's screwing around.

- What are you doing? - I'm not a slag.

- What? What are you talking about? - You think I screw around? - Man, you've lost it.

- You think I'd do that to you? Man, you're a mental case.

We're over.

I've had enough of you.

I fucking love you.

I can't believe I gave her that ring.

Mum? It's me.

So, I just want you to know that there's no hard feelings.

I forgive you.

You made your point.

Point made.

So let's stop all this nonsense, OK? So I'll come round, and we'll hug, and you'll cry, and I'll move back in.

Sorted.

Everybody's a winner.

Anyway, so, call me, yeah? I'll be expecting your call.

This is a joke.

Did one of you do this? Don't look at me, I didn't do it.

I'll tell you who did it, it's that Banksy prick.

There's a hidden meaning.

It's like that monkey policeman with the banana and the Tesco's bag.

- Maybe someone wants to kill us.

- Why would anybody want to kill us? Come on you lot, let's get changed.

- Have you seen this? - Someone's taking the piss.

Yeah, it's terrible isn't it? All this anti-social behaviour.

Is he having a dig at us? Right, that's it! All of you, just give me your phones.

No one's making any more calls today.

Now, come on.

Are you allowed to take our phones? What? I'm expecting a call from my mum.

OK, take a message.

Wanker.

Is he allowed to take our phones? He's probably using them to call one of those sex lines.

Those sex lines will eat your credit.

Call them a lot, do you? He's out there feeling himself on our phones, naked.

Masturbating.

Isn't this Gary's cap? There's blood on it.

Has anyone seen him? Did you see that? What was that? I'm talking to you.

Something's happening to me.

I'm right here! Look at me! Look at me! Can't you see me? - Do you want some of this? - No, I'm good.

Give it here.

Come on.

For fuck's sake.

Yeah, you just relax, innit? Take it easy.

Someone's just going to write something else on there tonight.

They make us do these bullshit little jobs wearing these bullshit orange jumpsuits.

They can suck my dick.

Nice.

Feel free to check out my tits, yeah.

She can't throw me out, she's my mum.

I'm homeless.

That is so embarrassing.

You know after the storm, did any of yous feel like dead weird? I had a strange tingling sensation in my anus.

I should say something.

I'm just so like a freak.

- What, did you feel weird? - You don't want to hear about my anus? Do you really need to ask the question? - Something happened.

- What's that? Squeak up.

Something happened to me.

Are you a virgin? Shut up! What was it? It's nothing.

Would I? I think I would.

Oh, my God, I'm thinking about shagging a chav.

Get a grip! What was that for? Jesus.

- Where do you think you're going? - Oh, shut up.

You can't just walk off whenever you feel like it.

Get your hands off me, you prick.

You just keep pushing, don't you? Push, push, push.

I'm sick of dealing with scum like you.

- I'll report you! - And who's going to believe you, eh? You're nothing! Little bitch.

Jesus! It's a shame more women don't commit crime.

Why is that? The way I see it, we're a girl short.

- How's that? - We're three and only two of them.

It looks like one of us is going without.

And I'm not being funny, but I'm guessing you drew the short straw.

Bad luck.

There was four of us.

I'm talking about getting laid.

So how are we going to do this, man? - Do what? - Divide them up.

Because the one with all the frizzy hair, I don't see me and her getting it on.

- Because she's beautiful? - No, cos she'd be way too much effort.

She looks high-maintenance! You'd have to treat her really well.

But that other one.

- Kelly.

- Whatever.

A couple of Bacardi Breezers, man, I reckon she'd be good to go.

I might need more than a couple myself, but who's counting.

Yeah, and the girls like, do they have a say in this? A group of young people doing mindless shit all day.

Face it, man, it's going to happen.

It's biology.

Or physics.

One of those.

So do we have a deal? Fine, maybe I'll take both.

- Yeah, I see that happening - Yeah, you will, then you'll be sorry you didn't accept.

Then who's laughing? Me.

What did he get done for? - What did he get done for? - For eating some pic 'n' mix.

Prick.

When I was in sixth form, you came to my school.

You gave this big talk about athletics and all your medals and that.

So, I'm guessing you're not going to the Olympics.

Funny.

- I heard he was dealing crack.

- What? I wasn't dealing crack.

No, no, the papers said it was steroids.

- That stuff will shrivel your dick.

- It wasn't steroids.

I'm not a cheat.

That stuff in the papers was bullshit.

So what was it then? I got caught with a little bit of coke.

All right? I messed up one time.

No one gets community service for possession.

If it was anyone else, they'd have got a caution.

I get 200 hours' community service and a two-year ban from athletics.

They said cos of my profile they needed to send a message.

You let yourself down.

You let the kids down.

- You let your parents down.

- Shut the fuck up! All I ever did was train.

You know nothing! - I shouldn't even fucking be here.

- You can't hit someone in a wheelchair.

Do want to know what I got done for? Not really.

Fucking lesbo scum.

Me and my mate, Chloe, were having cocktails in this bar.

And she's hassling me, cos she wants to go to this party.

Chloe is on one, because she thinks Jack is doing Lucy.

A total slut fuck.

So, we get in my car.

I drive us to the party.

We go into one of the rooms, yeah.

Jack's not doing Lucy, he's doing Ellie.

She is a proper slut.

Chloe freaks.

I'm driving us back into town.

Chloe's all like, "Oh I feel sick.

" I'm like, "Don't puke in my car, do not puke in my car.

" That's when the police pull us over.

I'm already banned from driving, so I am like, "Fuck.

" This cop He hands me the breathalyser.

And I'm like "Do I suck "or blow?" It's insane, I'm totally working it.

Now, I don't know if this cop is gay or what, but he tells me I'm four times over the limit.

It's bullshit.

I didn't even want to go to the party.

He's going to kill us.

Shit.

Nice entrance.

Very dramatic.

The probation worker has just attacked me.

Something really weird is happening.

I'm hearing these voices.

It's like I can hear what people are thinking.

- Have you been sniffing glue? - The storm, it's done something to us.

If you can hear our thoughts, what am I thinking? This is bullshit.

Do you think it's bullshit? Of course, you don't need to be a mind reader to know that.

- Why are you in a wheelchair? - It was the storm.

The strange tingling sensation in my anus has spread through my body and now, I can't feel my legs.

I'm serious.

Jesus.

What do you mean the probation worker attacked you? - This does sound like complete shit.

- He is out there and he chased me.

Something's happened to me too.

Did you pop your cherry? We are all very happy for you.

Earlier on when we were in the locker-room, I was invisible.

I turned invisible.

So, she's psychic and you can turn invisible.

That seems likely.

Did anyone witness this miraculous disappearance? You were all there.

We might have noticed you vanishing into thin air.

You didn't.

I was standing right there.

You couldn't see me.

All right.

Go on, then.

Do it.

Turn invisible.

My God! He's disappeared! Can't you see me? You're invisible! You two are hilarious.

Really, keep taking that medication.

- Don't go out there, he will kill you.

- Of course he will - cos he's such a bad ass.

- Don't! I would.

I would definitely shag her.

Come on, this is the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard.

Can't you see me? You're invisible? You two are hilarious.

Really, keep taking that medication.

Don't! Don't go out there, he will kill you.

Of course he will cos he's such a bad ass.

- Don't! - She's telling the truth.

And you know this how? I suppose you're a psychic now too.

All this.

It's already happened once.

I open the door, the probation worker, he killed you.

You were right there.

You were dead.

Everything froze.

You were all just standing there.

Time went backwards.

What are you saying? What, you turned back time? It just gets better by the second.

Everything happened again.

Exactly the same.

I'm telling you, don't open that door.

He's right.

The probation worker's gone mental.

Maybe he's on crystal meth.

That stuff makes you crazy.

My friend Chloe did it, she nearly shagged her brother.

And he's really ugly.

The graffiti.

I'm going to kill you.

He wrote it.

What did I say? I said there was a hidden meaning.

Or not.

- Did anything happen to you? - No.

We should call the police.

He took our phones, he's got all our phones.

He's stopped.

Dickhead, why did you come back? You should have gone for help! - What do you know, bitch! - Shut up, you chav.

If you call me a chav, I'll kick you so hard in the cunt your mum'll feel it.

- "Her mum"? How does that work? - He tried to kill me! I came back towards you lot and I could have left ya.

I'm sick of every single one of you judging me.

You can all fuck off! Whatever.

I'm getting out of here.

Out the back way, come on.

Fuck's sake! Is that blood? Fuck! Jesus Christ! Get it off me.

Jesus! I did wonder what had happened to him.

He's going to kill us.

- Turn back time, stop this happening.

- I don't know how it works.

That's great, that's really useful! Come on.

Don't look at him.

I've got to have sex with you right now.

You're so beautiful.

- What's up with him? - Let's go, let's do it now.

Get off me, you freak! What? You're so hot! I'm gonna bone you, I'm gonna shag you senseless! - What did I do? - You said you were going to shag her.

- You were getting your chap out.

- Shut up! It's when you were touching her.

I'm so hard for you.

I want to rip your clothes off and piss on your tits.

What is happening to me? You sick bastard! What did you do? Is he dead? I'm no doctor but you see the way the back of his head's caved in like that I'm not a chav! That should do it.

You killed our operation worker.

This is very, very bad.

I feel sick.

He would have killed us.

We should call the police.

It was self-defence.

He's right.

We show him, the dead boy in the locker, they'll do some CSI shit - and figure it out.

- They won't believe us.

We just tell them the truth.

We stick to our story.

What's our story? They can turn invisible and you can turn back time? It doesn't matter what we tell them, they'll say we're lying.

They'll say we killed them both.

No one's gonna believe you, not any more.

No body, no crime.

We should bury them under the flyover.

How do we do that? Someone's gonna see us.

We give them a quick little Put them in those wheelchairs, wheel them up there, and if anyone sees us, we're just a bunch of young offenders taking a couple of specials for a walk in the sunshine.

I'm pretty sure this breaches the terms of my ASBO.

We don't tell anyone about this, yeah? About the storm or what it did to us or anything.

We are about to bury our probation worker, we don't need to be drawing any attention to ourselves.

I don't want anyone to know.

I cannot be a freak.

What about you? There's no going back now, man.

You were as screwed as the rest of us.

You are black and famous.

You are probably more screwed.

I shouldn't even be here.

Just then, when he was touching yer - How were you doing that? - I don't know.

Didn't you say you wanted to piss on her tits? Probably best to keep that kind of thing between you and your internet service provider.

Are you all right? If she can hear what I'm thinking, does she know I want to shag her? Shit, she can hear that! Hold on, all of you have some kind of special power.

Everyone can do something except me.

He can do something, he can do something and I can't.

That's ridiculous, look at him! How does that make any sense? Maybe you can do something, you just haven't found out what it is yet.

Right.

What if What if I can't feel pain? - Did you feel that? - Stop hitting me! If anyone asks what happened yesterday, we say nothing Right? It's just a completely normal day.

There's nothing here.

No note, nothing, it's like he's just disappeared.

Some of them are here already.

I'll talk to them.

Gary and my colleague, Tony, have both been reported missing.

Their families are very worried about them.

Have you seen anything unusual, anything at all? You saw something? A few days ago I go into the toilets, Tony and Gary were in there.

They are butt naked, Tony has Gary by his hair, like this, and he's just doing him, doggy style.

And Tony is like, "who's your daddy? I'm your daddy, I'm Big Daddy.

"You like that.

"I'm Daddy Cool!" So I'm guessing they've ran away to continue their illicit homosexual affair.

I ask you, in this world of intolerance and prejudice, who are we who are we to condemn them? Hi, this is Tony, leave me a message, I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

Thanks, bye.

- I think we got away with it.

- Do you actually believe that - or are you really dumb? - I actually believe that.

I was there.

I should have one of these bullshit powers.

You can have mine.

You want to hear what people are thinking about you? Not so much.

I want something good, something from the A-list.

Maybe you can fly.

He's not going to be able to fly.

There's always someone that can fly.

Check it out.

Don't.

No, that's not it.

So What happens now? Is this it? Are we gonna be like this forever? What if we're meant to be, like, superheroes? You lot, superheroes? No offence, but in what kind of fucked-up world - would that be allowed to happen? - I did not sign up for that.

Superheroes! I love this guy, you prick! What if there's loads of people like us all over town? No, that kind of thing only happens in America.

This will fade away.

I'm telling you, by this time next week, it'll be back to the same old boring shit.

- You! - You want to tell us who that was? There is something weird going on with Jeremy.

Can you get me a gun? There's no way I'm getting a dickhead like you a gun.

My mum told me to stay away from girls like you.

Your mum has never met a girl like me.

Let's do it on the desk.

Get off me! Let's get that wind flowing through your scalp, come on.

Someone knows.

They know we killed our probation worker.